The ‘stars’ of the Conservative Party

I am delighted to announce my candidacy for the Great Conservative Ghoul Off. I will be standing on a common sense platform of kicking away the crutches of disabled people so that they learn to stand on their own two feet, ending free school meals to teach the poors that they must not expect something for nothing, giving tax breaks to the top earners and big corporations because getting something for nothing is a reward for donations to the Conservative party, I will put the Great back into Britain by bringing back National Service, hanging, the birch, imperial measurements, and good old pounds shillings and pence. I will introduce a law to make it compulsory that every mention of senior members of the royal family in the broadcast media is immediately followed by the rhetorical question, “Aren’t they maaarvelous.” Yes I do appreciate that this is already standard practice on the BBC but putting it on a legal footing will give us all the assurance that we need that republican nonsense will not be tolerated.

I will maintain the cohesion of this Precious Union by telling those uppity Jocks to suck it up. This wonderful partnership of nations, the most perfect in the history of the world is indeed a voluntary union but it is long past time that the Sweaties learned that when we said that the union is voluntary, it was our will we were talking about, not theirs. There is a lawful and democratic route to another referendum, but my Conservative party will make it illegal to tell the Scotch what it is. They can have their referendum when we tell them they can have it, which will be at some indeterminate date in the distant future when we can be absolutely certain that Yes will poll less than 5%.

This Tory leadership contest is like being shown a list of the more disgusting and disfiguring conditions that have featured in episodes of Embarrassing Bodies and being told that Kevin the far right incel with the bad case of scabies and mange from episode three is going to pick out a suppurating skin disease to inflict upon you. The candidates are competing with one another to see which can be more hideous in their callous cruelty and more out of touch with how ordinary people actually live their lives. And this is before Priti Patel and Jacob Rees Mogg have officially launched their campaigns. Meanwhile the candidates are vying to put integrity back into the heart of British politics by leaking dossiers listing the alleged involvement of their rivals in drug abuse, the use of prostitutes, tax dodges, illegal loans, and secret illegitimate children. A dozen candidates have now put their names forward, and that’s if we only count Grant Shapps once, even though he has at least three names and personas.

It’s only going to get worse as the candidates who get through the early rounds race to the bottom to appeal to the frothing moon howlers who lap up GBeebies News and the Daily Mail who make up the bulk of Conservative party membership, the Scottish representatives of which infest the comments section of the Herald fulminating about the Berneray ferry while the Conservatives at Westminster break international law and trash the few remaining democratic safeguards that are afforded by what passes for a constitution in the UK. They are a strange bunch, absolutely adoring another country that doesn’t give one single toss about you while despising your own.

The candidates are also engaged in a contest to make out that the last couple of years of the Johnson government in which they all had prominent positions were nothing to do with them. It’s scarcely surprising then that in a recent opinion poll, Rishi Sunak, the current favourite with MPs, was rated by the public behind Don’t Know, None of the Above, Jesus Wept, and For God’s Sake Please Just Make Them All Go Away. That would be the Rishi Sunak who is campaigning in the belief that a UK which wanted to get rid of the entitled man who was fined for illegally partying, would prefer to vote for the other entitled man who was fined for illegally partying. Sunak has the largest number of MPs who back him, he also has the largest number of MPs who are determined to stop him at any cost, one of whom characterised Sunak as a “treacherous bastard”, and that was one of the more polite descriptions.

This sorry roll call of incompetents and fools are supposedly the stars of the Conservative party. They are stars, but only if they are white dwarfs, incredibly dense, composed of degenerate matter, no longer generating anything new, and lingering on unproductively until their inevitable self-destruction. This party of economic geniuses have given the UK the slowest recovery from recession in history, the highest debt for 200 years, the highest tax since 1947, highest inflation for 50 years, most expensive housing in Europe, and the worst performing economy in the G8. They have stripped British citizens of freedom of movement in Europe, erected trade barriers with our closest neighbours, trashed the devolution settlement and not one of the much vaunted Brexit benefits have materialised.

Jeremy Hunt for our sins one of the front runners, says that one of his top priorities will be to slash Corporation tax, because all those companies who have made massive profits during the pandemic have already suffered enough. At 15% Corporation Tax in the UK is already amongst the lowest in the OECD, so Hunt is proposing that what is really needed is to give the UK a competitive edge that it already possesses, an edge which has had bugger all effect on improving the UK’s dire economic prospects.

No matter who wins, the rest of us will lose. All of them are equally vile, were equally happy to enable the shit show of the Johnson regime, and equally keen to trample over Scottish democracy. Even the Mafia had a code of honour, this bunch of right wing Z -listers care about no one but themselves.

Our future is being decided by a contest amongst selfish sociopathic careerists, the winner to be chosen by selfish sociopaths who haven’t managed to make a career out of it who vent their rage on social media, blaming, Europe, immigrants, asylums seekers, minorities, the poor, the ‘woke’ and the marginalised for making them feel victimised. Being asked which of this line up of scary clowns is the least bad option is like having to choose which stick covered in dog mess you want to brush your teeth with.

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